When You Don’t Have the Words To Communicate You Sabotage Understanding The Gaps In Saul’s Identity

I remember when my son was a little boy. I took him with me to visit my grandmother, and during that visit, we went out to a seafood restaurant for lunch. I ordered his food, expecting him to eat—but instead, he refused. He just wanted to play.

I’ll be honest—I felt irritated. I knew he was hungry, so in my mind, his behavior didn’t make sense.

But looking back now, I see that moment differently.

Maybe it wasn’t that he wanted to play. Maybe he simply didn’t want what was in front of him. But he didn’t yet have the language, awareness, or confidence to communicate that. He may not have liked the food, but he didn’t know how to say, “This isn’t for me.”

And that realization stayed with me.

It’s amazing how we don’t know what we don’t know—and how hindsight really is 20/20. Sometimes I wish I had slowed down in that moment and helped him find the words to express what he was actually feeling. Because when someone doesn’t know how to communicate discomfort, they don’t resolve it—they act it out.

And that doesn’t just apply to children.

It made me reflect on self-sabotage.

Maybe it’s not always rebellion. Maybe it’s not laziness or lack of discipline. Maybe, at times, it’s a lack of language… a lack of clarity. People don’t know how to say, “This isn’t what I want,” especially when they’re not even sure what they do want.

And that brings me to Saul.

Saul was chosen by God. Confirmed through signs. Publicly affirmed as king. Yet, despite all of that, his life is marked by repeated self-sabotage.

And it wasn’t because of one failure—it was an internal conflict.

Saul had the position, but he lacked the identity to sustain it.

When who you are internally cannot support what you carry externally, you will eventually undermine it—often without even realizing it. Saul’s kingdom didn’t collapse from external attack. It eroded from within.

From the very beginning, we see the signs.

In 1 Samuel 10:22, when it was time for Saul to be presented as king, he was found hiding among the baggage. Even after being chosen, he withdrew.

That moment wasn’t random—it was revealing.

When Samuel found Saul hiding, it shouldn’t have disqualified him—but it should have redefined how he was promoted. Saul didn’t just need a crown; he needed covering. He needed guidance, accountability, and intentional development alongside the promotion. 

Because when you elevate someone without equipping them, you don’t set them up for success—you set them up for exposure. 

Saul could have been great king, but he needed coaching to sustain what he was given. And he needed to be coachable. 

The same insecurity that caused him to hide early on followed him throughout his leadership. It later showed up as fear of people, impulsive decision-making, and insecurity toward David.

There was a gap between his calling and his identity—and that gap became the breeding ground for his self-sabotage.

You cannot consistently show up in a role you don’t believe you belong in.

And Saul’s background only deepens the picture. He came from the tribe of Benjamin—the smallest tribe—and a humble family. When he was appointed king, not everyone celebrated him. Some openly despised him, questioning his ability to lead.

Instead of confronting that tension, Saul stayed silent.

But silence doesn’t always mean peace—it can also mean internal pressure.

I believe that moment planted something in him: a need to prove himself. A need to win the approval of people. And from that point on, his leadership seemed driven more by validation than obedience.

He wasn’t just trying to lead—he was trying to convince people he deserved to lead.

And that’s a dangerous place to operate from.

Because when you’re driven by approval, you will eventually compromise alignment.

We see this clearly in 1 Samuel 13. While waiting for Samuel, Saul grew impatient and offered a sacrifice he was not authorized to give. On the surface, it looked like leadership under pressure—but underneath, it revealed fear.

He was afraid of losing the people.

So he broke alignment with God to maintain approval from man.

And it didn’t stop there.

When David began to rise, Saul’s insecurity turned into jealousy—and then obsession. Instead of leading Israel, he spent his energy chasing David, consumed by the fear that David would be a better king.

Saul’s actions reveal a man who never fully settled into who he was called to be.

He had the crown—but not the confidence.
He had the title—but not the identity.

So how could this have been different?

Saul needed to understand that leadership—especially God-ordained leadership—comes with separation. It comes with misunderstanding. It comes with moments where you are not liked.

And if you’re not prepared for that, you will spend your life trying to manage perception instead of maintaining alignment.

Saul’s greatest mistake wasn’t just disobedience—it was misplaced devotion.

He sought to please people more than he sought to please God.

And that is where self-sabotage often begins.